Ch 34 – Cry if You Want To

Kersz didn’t understand why Facai was being used by the Interstellar Alliance, so Yu Xi agreed to help him make some inquiries.

However, Yu Xi’s next question left Kersz somewhat bewildered: “Why shouldn’t he be used by the Interstellar Alliance?”

Then Kersz saw Yu Xi’s pupils dilate and contract, as if he had realized something: “Oh, oh! That’s right, the Interstellar Alliance is no good.”

This didn’t seem to be a conclusion Yu Xi had come to himself. It was more like he knew that Kersz cared about this, and since he cared about Kersz, he drew a conclusion based on Kersz’s preferences.

Kersz seemed somewhat disappointed when he realized this.

Yu Xi feared that Kersz would think he was too cold and indifferent, since Kersz still vehemently condemned those in power. 

“Could you….tell me what you really think?” Kersz asked him.

Sure enough, Kersz saw right through him. Yu Xi felt that he ought to appear more righteously indignant, but when he caught the faint glimmer of anticipation in Kersz’s eyes, he found himself unable to decieve him with placating words.

Yu Xi clenched his fists and sat down on the sofa, looking somewhat dejected.

As Tau walked by carrying the little dinosaur, Yu Xi said: “You should know that I never integrated into human society.”

Tau glanced at Yu Xi and Kersz.

“This means I’ve never been exploited by humans, nor been hurt by them,” Yu Xi said softly. “So I may not be able to truly understand that kind of pain.”

As Yu Xi spoke, he observed Kersz’s expression, worried that his indifference would disappoint his good friend.

“As far as I’m concerned, all of this was inevitable,” said Yu Xi. “Facai isn’t helping anyone in particular. He just acts as a weapon for whoever comes along.”

Kersz: “But he’ll kill a lot of people by doing that.”

Yu Xi nodded: “Yes, yes, that dog is truly rotten.”

Kersz: …..

Kersz didn’t reply.

Yu Xi asked with some concern: “Are you angry?”

“No.” Kersz gave him a smile.

Yu Xi sensed that something wasn’t right. Kersz must be angry: “I don’t think like that big white dog. I would never do such a thing.”

“I know.” Kersz continued to smile at Yu Xi.

“T-then shall I go ask Facai his reasons for doing this?” Yu Xi cautiously gestured toward the control system.

“Thank you for your hard work,” Kersz said with a smile.

Yu Xi swiftly withdrew his hand, his eyes widening.

Kersz said with a hint of helplessness: “Did I scare you?”

Yu Xi pursed his lips and shook his head. Then he smiled at Kersz and finally closed his eyes, using Facai’s trail to track his whereabouts.

He asked Facai on Kersz’s behalf, and the answer he received didn’t surprise him.

“Why shouldn’t I?” Facai asked in puzzlement. “It’s not like I approached these humans. They want a weapon, and I’m here waiting for something. Of course I can cooperate with them.”

“But they’re the bad guys,” said Yu Xi.

Facai was astonished: “Did those words just come out of your mouth?”

“What’s wrong?” Yu Xi asked in confusion.

“Nothing. It’s just that back in the day, you got along quite well with those big villains among us beastfolk. While you weren’t particularly close, there was certainly no conflict between you,” Facai said. “What was it you said? Good and bad are relative, and the emergence of such people is inevitable.”

When had Yu Xi become so empathetic?

“Are you the one asking, or are you asking for that human of yours?” Facai grasped the key point.

“He wanted to ask,” said Yu Xi.

“I think you already know the answer, so why did you come all the way here to ask me?” Facai didn’t understand.

Yu Xi was picking at his hands: “I….”

“For the sake of that human? You really care about him,” said Facai.

“I want to know why I met him,” Yu Xi said abruptly.

“Have you always known where my planet was located? His reckless space jump while he was under attack…..did you put the location into his system?” Yu Xi really didn’t believe in such a coincidence.

Facai: …..

If Facai didn’t exist, Yu Xi wouldn’t harbor such suspicions.

“Do you quite like that human?” Facai changed the subject.

“I do.” Yu Xi nodded in agreement. “But the differences between us are so great.”

Yu Xi could sense that Kersz was in pain. 

And Yu Xi was also hurting, because he realized that he might have been ignoring Kersz’s sadness all along.

“A small group of people make the decisions, and a significant portion of humans are having their basic rights violated…..even their lives are being threatened.” Yu Xi had liked humans before, and hadn’t seen anything wrong with this.

It was a very simple truth: for the sake of the overall survival of the race, the interests of a certain segment of the population must inevitably be sacrificed.

That sacrifice was meaningful and valuable, allowing humanity to continue to exist.

Although people often spoke of goodness and kindness, when a crisis struck, they would always abandon one group of people and make the choices that were most beneficial to themselves. 

And the people in power were the least human of them all. They were the spokespeople for different forces, their mouthpieces. The parts that made them human had all been stripped away, like pulling the bones out of a fish.

Yu Xi disliked interacting with such humans, for they possessed not a shred of the candor and charm that Yu Xi cherished.

But their actions were reasonable. Perhaps not correct, but reasonable nonetheless.

“Correctness” was, in fact, a fabricated shield.

Yu Xi disliked those humans, but he had never hated them.

Because they had never infringed upon Yu Xi’s interests.

“I don’t want to appear too heartless,” Yu Xi said, somewhat saddened. “Because he…..”

Because Kersz had truly lost everything in this conflict.

And Yu Xi, who hadn’t lost anything himself, couldn’t just ask Kersz to let it go and tell him that this was all part of the natural order.

…..On what grounds?

On what grounds should the deaths of Kersz’s parents become part of the norm? On what grounds should Kersz be the one being oppressed?

“All of this happened because he was unlucky,” said Facai. “Out of so many people, the bad luck just happened to fall on him.”

“Those people he killed truly deserved to die. That human of yours was harmed by them, so he killed them in retaliation.” Facai tilted his head slightly. “This cycle should come to an end.”

Yu Xi stared at Facai.

“Well, I suppose it won’t come to an end anytime soon,” Facai said, “because he is still consumed by rage. He wants to be an agent of justice, to kill every corrupt figure in power across the entire world.”

“How can you say something like that?” Yu Xi was appalled.

Facai wore no expression on his face.

“This is a tragedy. You shouldn’t treat a tragedy so flippantly,” Yu Xi corrected.

“No, it’s not a tragedy. You only think it is because you know that human and are actually quite fond of him. If not him, it would be somebody else. There are always people who go through what happened to him.”

“There are always lives that, upon witnessing them, leave you marveling. This guy is simply the most unfortunate one of them all.”

“Just like me,” said Facai.

Yu Xi froze.

“You once comforted me too. When I said that I had lost everything, you told me to look at the bigger picture, told me just how insignificant my suffering was amidst the torrent of the times.” Facai stared at Yu Xi. “That I am merely one of millions of unfortunate souls.”

“As it turns out, I’m the most exceptional of all those unfortunate souls.”

“I don’t quite understand. When you comforted me, we had known each other for a very, very long time. But how long have you actually known that human? Why are you so affected by everything he’s gone through?” Facai was truly baffled. “Is it just because he’s human?”

Yu Xi said nothing more to Facai. He blinked his eyes dazedly, then racked his brains to polish Facai’s response before relaying it to Kersz.

“So it’s simply because he doesn’t care?” Kersz understood. “Fair enough. He’s not human, and he’s witnessed so much. To him, the suffering of ordinary people is likely nothing more than a side note.”

Panic fluttered in Yu Xi’s chest when he heard these words: “I-It’s not a side note.”

Kersz looked at him.

Yu Xi clutched his chest. He had never experienced anything like this before. He was terrified of saying the wrong thing, yet felt he couldn’t remain completely silent, because Kersz looked so sad.

Kersz’s heartbeat went completely haywire.

“Did I put you in a difficult position?” Kersz asked Yu Xi.

Yu Xi shook his head.

Kersz patted him on the back. He was still smiling, but judging by the sound of his heartbeat, his emotions were far from calm.

Kersz indeed tried to compose himself, but this time, no matter how hard he tried, he simply could not bring himself under control.

He had no expectations of Facai, because whatever he might once have been, he was now nothing more than a program that had lived far too long. All Kersz wanted was to know whether or not he would need to find a way to dismantle him in the future.

And his answer should make Kersz furious.

He had grown accustomed to the taste of anger and hatred, and ought to be able to adjust quickly enough.

But beneath the anger, another emotion stirred within him. Perhaps it was less intense, but it was like the slow, painful drag of a blunt knife slicing through flesh.

Kersz felt like a complete scoundrel, always pushing his luck. And it wasn’t just that he was insatiable. He was a hypocrite too.

Before, Facai was at least a living creature.

Yu Xi had been a robot from start to finish. Starting as a robot vacuum cleaner, he had gradually evolved into what he was today, and had never been deeply involved in the decision-making of humans.

From beginning to end, his emotions had remained detached from the intense passion of humanity.

To his surprise, Kersz had found himself hoping that Yu Xi would understand his pain.

This was simply putting Yu Xi into an impossible position.

Kersz had been constantly suppressing this ridiculous expectation of his, yet the more Yu Xi appeared to care about his feelings, the more he found himself helpless against his rising hope.

This wasn’t fair to Yu Xi.

Even when dealing with an outsider like Facai, Kersz was able to see the logic behind his actions by examining his background and experiences. He didn’t agree with those actions, but he understood them.

So why was it that when he faced Yu Xi, the logic he took such pride in seemed to leave him?

No, it didn’t leave him.

He was keenly aware of Yu Xi’s evolution and background, and just as aware that it was impossible for Yu Xi to ever truly put himself in Kersz’s shoes.

After all, in Yu Xi’s life, there was nothing that even resembled “parents.”

It was entirely unreasonable to expect a person with a completely different background to fully understand or even empathize with him.

And when it came to putting himself in the shoes of another, had Kersz ever really understood or empathized with that little mouse he once kept? Did he know whether or not that little mouse actually wanted to be kept by him? Was it happy from day to day? Had it ever experienced moments of despair or sadness?

Kersz should have never expected Yu Xi to do something that he himself couldn’t even manage.

Such an expectation was nothing more than cruelty toward the person closest to him.

Kersz’s rationality pulled together countless arguments to persuade himself. Yet when Yu Xi sent him a cautious glance, Kersz still felt a distinct and unreasonable sense of grievance.

And hidden beneath this grievance lay a faint trace of resentment.

His rational mind knew that Yu Xi had been blameless from start to finish, so he tried as hard as he could to suppress these dark emotions, to reassure Yu Xi not to overthink things, as none of this had anything to do with him in the first place.

Yu Xi glanced at Kersz, but gave no response. He just lowered his head again and went back to picking at his hands.

Kersz wasn’t okay. Kersz really wasn’t okay.

Yu Xi desperately wanted to retrieve a portion of his memories. Not much, just enough to give him some idea how to interact with others.

His interactions with others invariably resulted in all sorts of silly mishaps. He had already come to realize just how “different” he was.

But in this context, that “difference” felt particularly unbearable.

Yu Xi desperately wanted to do something, yet there was nothing he could really do.

As always happened when Yu Xi acted timid and reserved like this, he heard Kersz’s heartbeat quicken before slowing down, though not by much.

But on the surface, Kersz showed no emotion whatsoever. He hurled a couple of insults at Facai, then declared that sooner or later, he would destroy the system entirely.

Tau disagreed with Kersz’s approach. Without that formidable weapon, the Interstellar Alliance would become nothing more than a bloody slice of meat, ripe for the taking and destined to be devoured by the other five major alliances.

“The Interstellar Alliance should have vanished a long time ago. It’s nothing more than a bunch of backward nobles gathering together to play make-believe.” Kersz debated the issue with Tau, and his heartbeat seemed to accelerate again as his emotions were stirred up.

Kersz was prepared to vent all of his feelings right here. He knew that Yu Xi could hear his heartbeat, and that he needed to approach him with a calmer, gentler mood.

So for now, he would just vent his anger arguing with Tau.

“The Interstellar Alliance represents humanity’s original glory. Humans in other galaxies have already fallen into chaos. The vast majority of people can’t even sustain a marital relationship and have completely lost the very concept of ‘home!’” Tau began to raise his voice.

The Interstellar Alliance was the faction with the highest ratio of children who had parents. Most other alliances operated by matching genetic profiles; if two people’s genetic vectors aligned, they would simply purchase the other person’s genetic information or negotiate an exchange.

“You make it sound like marriages in the Interstellar Alliance are so incredibly stable. Do married people around here even see each other all that often?” Kersz sneered.

“Oh? Did your parents not spend much time together in the past?” Tau stepped directly on Kersz’s sore spot.

But Kersz paid it no mind. His past was no longer a secret in the interstellar world, and those people, facing their imminent deaths and realizing that begging would be futile, always did everything they could to strike at Kersz’s weaknesses.

“You, an Illegitimate who doesn’t even know who his parents were, are actually arguing with me about the glory of the Interstellar Alliance?” Kersz struck back at Tau’s sore spot.

As they continued to argue, it escalated into shoving, and before long, the two of them came to blows.

“Hey, hey! Stop fighting!” Yu Xi hastened forward and tried to pull the two apart, all while the little dinosaur, Xiao Konglong, scurried around them while crying out for his dad.

At last, Yu Xi forcefully pried them apart. Yet before he could put much distance between them, Tau landed a punch on Kersz, who in turn kicked Tau.

“No fighting!” Yu Xi raised his voice a little louder. “Aren’t you people adults?!”

Xiao Konglong burrowed into Tau’s arms, anxiously tugging at his clothes.

Tau felt a pang of concern. He had initially intended to charge back in and keep fighting Kersz, but now that his child was here, he couldn’t risk Kersz accidentally injuring him.

Kersz ran his tongue over his back molars, now in much better spirits.

He let out a sigh, preparing to soothe Yu Xi, who had been frightened by his erratic behavior.

But then, Yu Xi threw his arms around his neck.

Kersz was stunned: “Y-Yu Xi, aren’t you afraid of this kind of conflict?”

“No.” Yu Xi knelt on the ground, nuzzling the side of Kersz’s face. “I just don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean?” Kersz asked.

“I don’t know how to comfort you. I don’t know how to let you know that I’m worried about you,” said Yu Xi. “Facai said that bad things happened to him in the past too, and I….!”

“I feel like he’s just a system now, in pain yet numb. I don’t want you to turn out like that.” Yu Xi suspected that the current Kersz and the Facai of the past shared certain commonalities.

Perhaps Facai, too, was searching for an answer, but to this day, he had yet to find it.

“He and I aren’t the same,” said Kersz. “I’m me.”

“I know.” Yu Xi nodded.

“Just the thought that you want to comfort me is enough.” Kersz slowly turned and cupped Yu Xi’s face. “The way I am now has nothing to do with you.”

“Actually, if I hadn’t met you, I would already be dead.” Kersz’s voice softened slightly. “You shouldn’t suffer because of the things those despicable people did. That has nothing to do with you.”

Yu Xi nodded: “I know it has nothing to do with me.”

Kersz’s thumbs brushed against Yu Xi’s temples: “That’s right~ You’re my lifesaver~”

“Meeting you was the luckiest miracle of all,” Kersz continued. “I never thought that one day, there would be someone who cares about me the way you do.”

Yu Xi nodded again and again: “I do care about you.”

Kersz’s voice softened even further: “Thank you.”

“And because I care about you, what those people did seems to involve me too.” Yu Xi abruptly shifted the conversation.

Kersz froze.

“Otherwise, why am I sad?” Yu Xi gestured toward his chest. “Why else would I feel sad because of your pain?”

“I really have nothing to do with all of that.” Yu Xi had been agonizing over this very issue. “But I want it to involve me. I don’t know how to describe it, but…..”

“…..but it involves you,” said Yu Xi.

“If all of that is separate from me, if it has nothing to do with me at all…..does that mean that you also have nothing to do with me?” Yu Xi didn’t like this feeling.

He had always been afraid that Kersz would condemn him, but Yu Xi felt that he had done nothing wrong. That he didn’t deserve to be condemned.

Yet he also feared that Kersz would say nothing at all, that being so good at drawing boundaries, he would once again hide away alone to lick his wounds.

This was too contradictory. Too painful.

In the end, Yu Xi felt that his head was going to start smoking from all the mental turmoil. He felt very helpless, and all he could say was: “Please teach me.”

Kersz froze in place: “Teach you…..what?”

“Teach me how to be good to you.” Yu Xi lowered his head. “I….I’m just a robot. I’m different from you….but I want to be like you.”

Kersz tried to look into Yu Xi’s eyes, but he was still picking at his fingers, staring at his fingertips and refusing to look up: “I want to be good to you, to hold you in my arms while you cry.”

“I don’t want there to be such a sharp line drawn between us.”

Yu Xi wracked his brains, thinking with all his might. He was certain that smoke must be billowing from his ears by now. His energy reserves seemed to be on the verge of burning out completely. “I am so saddened by your pain. You’ve been hurt.”

“I think I’ve been hurt too.”

Having said this, Yu Xi suddenly threw his arms around Kersz’s neck. Caught off guard, Kersz toppled forward directly onto Yu Xi. But he didn’t fall.

Yu Xi held his upper body in a tight embrace.

“I’m sorry,” said Yu Xi. “I didn’t understand you as well as I thought I did.”

There was nothing to apologize for. Yu Xi wasn’t at fault to begin with.

As this thought occurred to Kersz, he felt warmth welling up in his eyes. And to his surprise, tears actually began to fall.

What the hell?! Kersz clearly knew that none of this was Yu Xi’s fault, so why had he started crying the second Yu Xi apologized?

He was acting as if he had been terribly wronged, but the truth was that he hadn’t suffered a single grievance at Yu Xi’s hands.

Fearing that Yu Xi would misunderstand, Kersz said in a rush: “No, you haven’t done anything wrong.” His voice was shaking.

How pathetic.

But Yu Xi replied: “You haven’t either.”

Kersz’s pupils suddenly dilated, and his tears fell even more uncontrollably.

His heartbeat, too, fell into disorder.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, and you didn’t choose to become this way. You had no choice.” Yu Xi made this distinction very clear.

It wasn’t Kersz’s fault that everything spiraled out of control.

He hadn’t done anything to deserve such loss.

Kersz wrapped his arms around Yu Xi, clenching his hands in the fabric over his back.

“You’re not blaming me,” said Yu Xi. “You’re just very sad.” He felt that Kersz was always seeking his opinion.

Yu Xi sensed that Kersz was asking tentatively: May I lay out my pain and sorrow here with you? Will you deny their existence?

Kersz tried to stop crying, but Yu Xi tightened his embrace even more, and he felt his tears threatening to flow of control again.

He felt as if a hidden part of himself had once more been exposed to the light of day.

That fragile, unreasonable version of himself that he had once thought was dead.

Yet here he was, weeping in Yu Xi’s arms.

Why was he crying?

There was no reason.

He was just sad.

Was mere sadness enough to permit him to cry aloud?

That was far too much of a luxury.

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Chapter 33 << Table of Contents >> Chapter 34