Ch 36 – Change and Constancy
Yu Xi had been driven to such a state of despondency by Tau that even outsiders took notice.
Cuthe couldn’t understand why the child had suddenly stopped talking, and assumed that Yu Xi had been so frightened by his mother last time that he still hadn’t recovered.
Tau was also pacing back and forth in a frantic state, awaiting Yu Xi’s verdict. He was overcome by a constant feeling that Yu Xi was secretly brewing up some massive surprise to spring on him.
For this reason, Tau hadn’t dared to appear too close to Xiao Konglong in recent days. He worried that Yu Xi would realize how much he cared about the little dinosaur and hurt it to get at Tau.
But Yu Xi just appeared listless.
“Look, this is a human.” Tau had fashioned a small doll.
Yu Xi glanced at the little doll, then silently averted his gaze.
Tau also looked at the little doll, then glanced toward Yu Xi, who was inching away from him.
At a loss, Tau could only turn to his fake friend and seek help from Kersz.
Kersz thought Yu Xi was angry at first, but then he realized that he was merely self-conscious.
Yu Xi felt horribly embarrassed, and saw Illegitimates as a rather terrifying breed of human.
He had indeed come up with a plan to save all of the Illegitimates after successfully comforting Kersz, and felt himself tremendously capable.
Then, Tau had accused him of wanting to enjoy the pleasure of being a ‘savior’ and playing a little ‘rescue game.’
Yu Xi reflected on himself and came to the conclusion that Tau’s words were not entirely incorrect. He truly longed to be the savior of the Illegitimates, to have these spiritually castrated humans gaze up at him with eyes gleaming with adoration.
It would be even better if they would say: “Heavens, what a gentle robot!”
Whenever Yu Xi thought of this, he wished he could simply vanish from existence.
He had never felt the emotion called ‘embarrassment’ so intensely.
“He actually doesn’t care,” Kersz reassured Yu Xi. “Before, he would have pretended not to see through your intentions, and then play along with your little ‘rescue game.’”
Yu Xi wrapped himself more tightly in the blankets.
As for why Tau hadn’t played along this time…..it was likely because he subconsciously assumed that even if he didn’t, nothing major would happen.
Thus, acting on impulse, Tau refused to cooperate. But when he came to his senses, he felt that the assumption that Yu Xi posed no threat to him was completely absurd, and began to worry again about what he might do next.
But all Yu Xi did was retreat into himself out of sheer embarrassment.
Tau knocked on the door again.
Yu Xi pulled the blankets around him and huddled in the corner of the bed.
Kersz let out a helpless sigh, then got up to speak with Tau.
Yu Xi watched him go.
Then, clutching his blanket tightly, he inched slightly closer to the door.
If Yu Xi wanted to, he could easily overhear what they were saying.
But he didn’t do so, for fear that he would hear something that would make him even more embarrassed.
Fortunately, Kersz returned before too long.
Eyes wide with worry, Yu Xi lowered his voice to ask: “What did Tau say?”
“He wants my help. Specifically, he wants me to plead with you not to lay a hand on his little dinosaur.” Kersz sat on the edge of Yu Xi’s bed.
He had originally intended to scoot over a bit further, but before he could do so, Yu Xi wriggled his blanket-wrapped self over to his side: “Why does he think I would hurt Xiao Konglong?”
“Because he’s used to that kind of thing,” said Kersz.
“Used to it?” Yu Xi thought for a moment. “Oh! Is it because they weren’t allowed to have things that they liked in the past?”
“More or less.” Kersz nodded. “Actually…..when Tau was a child, he must have had something he loved.”
Yu Xi sat up a little straighter.
“Illegitimates are all hand-picked, and before the formal trials begin, they’re each assigned a little ‘playmate.’” After discovering that Tau was an Illegitimate, Kersz had launched an investigation into the methods used to cultivate this group of weapons.
Before the final trial arrived, these children needed to have something they cared about.
It was a necessity for their training.
Squatting at the door, Tau glanced at it a few times, then lowered his head to look at Xiao Konglong in his arms.
“Daddy?” Xiao Konglong reached out with a tiny claw. Tau extended his index finger, and that tiny claw grasped it.
Tau smiled.
Affection could be cultivated.
Tau had once possessed a small dinosaur plushie. Each time he laid eyes on his plushie, it was a signal that training was over and he could finally fill his belly.
Tau wasn’t sure if he had ever had his own room during his childhood, because it was just a small cubicle with transparent walls on all four sides, with researchers constantly coming and going to observe his condition.
But Tau was able to ignore them. After all, it wasn’t until he began imitating all sorts of people that Tau realized that the lives of normal people weren’t transparent, and that no one would come running over at a moment’s notice to gawk and take notes on them.
Tau knew that all of the children had plushies at that time, and that they loved them just as much as he loved his.
“Once they reach a certain age, the objects they love will be taken away from them for training purposes,” Kersz continued. “They must learn to ignore the harm being done to their loved one, and focus single-mindedly on completing the mission.”
“But that should be very difficult.” Yu Xi understood what Kersz was getting at.
Those plushies had become the children’ s only source of comfort.
For them, fulfilling their master’s commands was the fundamental prerequisite for survival. This had become the underlying logic of their very existence.
Only after completing their mission were they allowed to eat and rest.
“Completing the mission” became a necessity as vital as eating and drinking, artificially etched into their very souls.
These plushies, however, served as a more intimate source of spiritual solace, and were more like “friends.”
Those lonely children would subconsciously imbue these dolls with a soul, and were able to feel at ease while clutching them in their arms.
“It is very difficult.” Kersz nodded. “So those Illegitimates who choose to rush to the aid of their plushies are eliminated.”
Yu Xi: “Does ‘eliminated’ mean death?”
Kersz nodded.
The light in Yu Xi’s eyes flared a little brighter.
Tau remembered the day he lost his dinosaur plushie. He had to complete a training assignment, and that day was one of the rare times all of the Illegitimates were gathered together in one place.
And all around the training grounds, those plushies sat silently on their own chairs like a crowd of spectators.
But they had not come as spectators. They had come to say goodbye. Tau watched as his little dinosaur was torn to shreds, piece by piece.
Tau wanted to run toward it, but someone else had already rushed forward.
That man let out a piercing scream and sprinted headlong toward his plushie.
Then, with a loud bang, blood splattered all over the ground.
Tau felt some of the blood splash onto his face. He paused, then turned his head and resumed his training.
At that moment, Tau didn’t even think his heartbeat had changed at all. Was he sad? Was he afraid?
Tau couldn’t say.
But Illegitimates were strange creatures to begin with. Even as members of their own ranks died, others continued to rush toward their plushies. Toward their irreversible deaths.
Because that was the only source of warmth they had left, even though these plushies had never once responded to them.
When Tau returned to his room that day, there was nothing there waiting for him.
But Tau had passed the test. He had not allowed extraneous emotions to interfere with the execution of his mission.
Xiao Konglong clutched Tau’s finger with his claw, and Tau felt the slight urge to smile.
Suddenly, he heard the sound of a door opening.
Tau instinctively started to pull Xiao Konglong into his arms, but then he froze.
“You’re still squatting here?” It was Yu Xi’s voice.
Tau’s arms trembled slightly.
“I won’t lay a hand on your little dinosaur,” Yu Xi said.
Tau breathed a subconscious sigh of relief: “Then you intend to….Father…..”
“I’m not….do you really love that so-called father of yours?” Yu Xi didn’t understand. He felt that all of Tau’s suffering stemmed from the Supreme Governor, and he wasn’t certain that Tau even liked the Supreme Governor that much.
But loyalty to that man was etched into his very marrow.
Tau’s future seemed to be obscured by a dense fog that Yu Xi couldn’t see through.
“I respect my father,” said Tau.
“Oh.” Yu Xi felt that perhaps Tau held some hatred toward him without actually realizing it himself.
“I’m just a little embarrassed,” Yu Xi confessed. “You saw right through my little scheme, and I feel ashamed.”
Tau: “You mean I saw right through your attempt to save me?”
Yu Xi nodded.
“Why be embarrassed? Isn’t that perfectly normal?” Tau asked.
“How is that normal?!” Yu Xi felt that Tau was simply beyond saving. The environment in which he grew up was vastly different from that of ordinary children, to the point that it was an entirely different world.
“There are plenty of people who want to save us.” Tau stroked the little dinosaur cradled in his arms, no longer looking quite so tense. “Especially those nobles.”
“Eh? Aren’t the nobles the ones who created you?” Yu Xi asked.
“Yes. But sometimes they would suddenly feel sorry for us and want to play a little ‘savior game.’” Tau stood up, still cradling Xiao Konglong.
The circumstances of the Illegitmates’ existence seemed inherently tragic, and there were always a few “kind-hearted” nobles who simply couldn’t bear to witness their suffering.
Of course, that only applied to the most beautiful or handsome among the Illegitimates.
They would give those Illegitimates warmth and love, even taking them out to eat real food.
“Those grand principles you speak of – they can spout them just as well. Then they’ll invariably gaze with that same affectionate indulgence at the Illegitimate they’ve taken a liking to,” Tau said. “They seem rather keen on molding Illegitimates into what they see as a ‘normal person.’”
But if they wanted a normal person so badly, why not just love a normal person from the very start?
“Perhaps ‘normal people’ are just too much of a hassle for them. After all, the people they normally associate with are fellow nobles, and those are hardly the sort of people to be grateful for small kindnesses. They also fear that a normal person might covet their wealth, so an Illegitimate is really the ideal choice for satisfying their vanity.” Tau was very calm as he said all of this.
He wasn’t resentful at all, and was merely stating the facts.
Yu Xi was dumbstruck by what he had just heard: “How do you know all of that?”
Tau didn’t answer.
“Did you not hope to catch the eye of a noble?” Yu Xi was puzzled.
“It wasn’t a matter of hoping,” said Tau.
“Then do you hate being treated as abnormal?” Yu Xi asked.
Tau shook his head: “No.”
“I don’t believe that for a second.” Yu Xi felt that some of the things Tau said simply couldn’t be taken at face value.
Tau lowered his head.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have messed around with that little ‘rescue game.’” Yu Xi crouched down beside him.
Tau didn’t give much of a response to the apology, as apologies weren’t a normal part of his communication anyway.
“I’m giving you this.” Yu Xi pulled a small blue sphere out of his pocket.
“What is it?” asked Tau.
“It can make your dinosaur change colors,” said Yu Xi.
“Change colors?”
“It can change colors according to its mood, or you can change the color yourself.” Yu Xi thought this was something Tau would like.
Sure enough, Tau’s eyes instantly lit up.
“Wow!” Tau took the blue sphere.
He stared at it for a moment, then suddenly asked Yu Xi: “Is there anything else you want to apologize for?”
Yu Xi: “Ah?”
Tau gave an example: “Such as kidnapping me.”
Yu Xi was a bit flustered, and fumbled here and there before finally fishing out another small sphere: “Here! This is a miniature house, perfect for Xiao Konglong to live in.”
The frequency of Tau’s blinks increased slightly.
Tau thought very carefully: “You made me worry for so long. Aren’t you going to apologize for that?”
Yu Xi: “Wuwuwu.”
Pressing a hand down on Tau’s head, Kersz said in a sinister tone: “If you try to extort him any further, I’ll be the first to set your little dinosaur on fire.”
“Ah!!” Tau clutched Xiao Konglong tightly in his arms.
“Tau.” Yu Xi looked toward him, his cyan eyes gleaming faintly: “I’m a little worried about your future.”
“Are you worried I won’t live long?” Tau asked.
Yu Xi nodded.
“Illegitimates don’t live long anyway,” said Tau.
“I find that very regrettable.” Yu Xi sighed. “Can’t you take a leaf out of Fusya’s book and be a little more optimistic?”
“I haven’t been reformed like him.”
Yu Xi was a little disappointed.
Tau stared at Yu Xi, waiting for what he would say next. But Yu Xi said nothing further. He just dejectedly patted Tau on the shoulder, then turned and headed back to his room.
Tau watched him leave, then lowered his head once more to play with Xiao Konglong. Yet after teasing it a couple of times, he cast another glance over his shoulder.
“What are you looking at?” Kersz asked him.
“I don’t know.” Tau shifted his gaze back to his lap.
Kersz raised an eyebrow.
Something was changing within Tau, yet Tau himself seemed largely unaware of it.
Why?
Kersz also glanced in the direction Yu Xi had gone.
Ah. That was it.
Tau believed he was safe.
Tau couldn’t leave this place, yet Yu Xi wouldn’t actually do anything to him. Yu Xi hadn’t laid a hand on his little dinosaur, and also hadn’t insisted on making him “normal.”
Tau considered his surroundings to be safe and secure, and he also had no missions to carry out.
Kersz hadn’t said much throughout the previous conversation, still feeling the need to observe for a while longer.
And just as he had expected, Tau was unconsciously observing Yu Xi.
Yu Xi had not yet extricated himself from his sorrow, still pacing back and forth within the room and sighing now and again.
Facai had snuck over many times, but although Yu Xi didn’t shoo him away, he also didn’t speak to him.
Yu Xi just kept gazing at Tau, letting out sigh after sigh.
*
*
“Why create an Illegitimate?” Yu Xi asked Kersz as he lay beside him in bed.
“Because they have the power and resources to go around creating them.” Kersz turned on his side to face Yu Xi. “Actually, I’m pretty curious about the ancient humans you mentioned.”
“About what?” Yu Xi asked.
“Were they really able to eliminate discrimination and prejudice?”
“That’s right,” Yu Xi murmured. “Their knowledge was transmissible. Not through text, though. You can think of it as a transmission of consciousness.”
“But this technology wasn’t in use for very long. Because soon after this technology emerged, they were able to achieve immortality, and no new life was ever born again.”
“That sounds pretty good.” Kersz thought about what that would look like. “Everyone gets to live until they decide to die.”
“It was probably pretty good.” Yu Xi still didn’t care much for that sort of human.
“Don’t you see humans like us as ignorant and foolish? Especially after seeing those powerful ‘ultimate forms. We create beings like Illegitimates, we fight each other for power, and it seems like there’s no end to our hatred.”
“I don’t know, but those other humans were too all-powerful and omniscient.” Yu Xi was aware that they were actually very good people. They were incredibly tolerant, and in fact, they didn’t even seem to possess the concept of a “temper.”
“They had their own understanding of the world, and it was one I couldn’t make sense of. I wasn’t that capable,” said Yu Xi.
“And….when their negative emotions vanished, I couldn’t sense any positive emotions from them either.”
Yu Xi still disliked the state of humanity in their last days: “When hatred vanished, so did love.”
At this point, he suddenly grew curious: “Tau seems like he has love in his heart, don’t you think?”
Kersz gave a hum.
“Then do you think his hatred is just as pure as his love?” Yu Xi asked.
“I think so,” said Kersz.
“Will he be able to turn into someone whose head is filled with nothing but positivity?” Yu Xi pressed.
Kersz: “Could you handle changing him like that? You wouldn’t be able to let a couple of words from him make you crumble.”
Yu Xi sighed: “I’m not that capable.”
Yu Xi had come to realize that his sense of shame was far too great. After being seen through by Tau, he felt as if he never wanted to see him again for the rest of his life.
Tau spoke so bluntly, and Yu Xi was simply incapable of transforming him into a positive thinker.
In fact, the shame of being exposed had caused Yu Xi to believe that he had no right to remake another person.
He just wasn’t that strong. When faced with negative human emotions, he never knew what to do with himself.
“Actually, I don’t think he’s entirely hopeless,” Kersz thought aloud.
“Why not?” Yu Xi asked.
“Look at him, isn’t he living a pretty happy life right now?” Kersz smiled.
“Is he really living?”
“Of course. He’s breathing, after all.”
So Tau actually did want to live?
Yu Xi felt himself let out a sigh of relief.
However, he was unable to truly let himself relax. Because the very next day, Tau showed up with Xiao Konglong in his arms to make his end of life arrangements.
“You want me to look after him when you die?!” Yu Xi was shocked to the core.
“I don’t think you would hurt him.” Tau nodded. “Kersz is a different story. He would mistreat him.”
“Then when are you going to die, ah?” Yu Xi’s lips trembled.
Tau: ……
Tau hadn’t given the matter much thought, at least not yet. But Illegitimates never lived very long.
“Someday,” said Tau.
“I knew it. I knew you had self-destructive tendencies.” Yu Xi didn’t like this sort of ‘dying wish’ storyline.
“I don’t.”
“Then why are you making arrangements for after you die?” Yu Xi asked loudly.
After asking this, Yu Xi burst into tears: “If I had known before, I wouldn’t have captured you. If I had known, I would have just let Kersz finish you off. Then I wouldn’t be heartbroken like I am now.”
Watching him cry, Tau clutched the hem of his clothes, feeling somewhat at a loss.
Yu Xi ran off, and Tau didn’t chase after him to insist that he raise Xiao Konglong after he was gone.
For some reason, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had done something out of line.
He had done so many excessive things throughout his life, but this one…..
Tau inexplicably felt as if he had attacked his little dinosaur with his own hands.
He really didn’t dare chase after him.
Tau’s eyes darted this way and that before finally settling on the not-so-friendly-looking Kersz.
“Kersz,” he called out.
“What?” Kersz clicked his tongue.
“What’s wrong with Yu Xi?”
“You’re asking me? Why don’t you just ask him?” Kersz spread his hands. “Am I your mouthpiece? A spy you’ve planted at Yu Xi’s side?”
Tau opened his mouth, then closed it again.
He realized that he had upset Yu Xi, and wanted to cheer him up.
What was Yu Xi upset about?
Oh. Tau had said he was going to die.
In that case, how could he cheer Yu Xi up?
Tau pondered for a moment before ultimately reaching a conclusion: wouldn’t it be enough if he just lived?
But how was he supposed to live?
Tau had no idea, and decided to just ask Kersz: “Kersz, how can I live?”
Kersz: ?
Kersz: “Breathe.”
Tau’s breathing shifted from automatic to manual.
Kersz: “And after that, eat, sleep, repeat.”
“This can extend my lifespan?” Tau found it quite underwhelming. After all, this was what he did every single day.
“Have you been afflicted with a strange poison?” Kersz asked.
Tau shook his head.
Kersz hummed: “Then this miraculous cycle will keep you alive until the day you die.”
“I’m still going to die?”
“What else? Do you expect to exist as long as the universe?”
Tau didn’t need to live as long as the universe. He just needed to remain in a “living state.”
After taking several deep breaths, Tau finally mustered the courage to run out and find Yu Xi.
He tugged Yu Xi’s sleeve, then gestured to himself when Yu Xi turned his head: “I’m breathing.”
The grieving Yu Xi: ……
What else would he be doing?
Yu Xi reached out and touched Tau’s forehead.
No fever.
“Do you have anything to eat?” Tau asked.
He was hungry?
An apple appeared in Yu Xi’s hand.
Tau immediately took the apple and began to gnaw on it. He finished the fruit in swift order, then showed the core to Yu Xi: “Look, I ate it.”
Yu Xi remained bewildered.
He couldn’t shake the feeling that Tau was fishing for approval.
“You ate it very well,” said Yu Xi.
Tau nodded: “So don’t be sad.”
Yu Xi: ?
Was there any connection between these two things?
Tau: “I’m also very good at sleeping.”
Yu Xi: …..
Yu Xi: “Wow!”
Tau continued: “I can breathe when I sleep, and when I wake up, I can eat.”
Yu Xi continued to suspect that something was wrong with Tau.
Especially when Tau added: “Why aren’t you hugging me?”
Yu Xi frowned.
“You usually hug people when you get excited, don’t you?” Tau felt that there was something off about Yu Xi’s behavior.
Yu Xi stepped forward and cupped Tau’s face in his hands.
Tau: ?
Did this count as a different type of hug?
Yu Xi took a deep breath, then vigorously shook Tau’s head.
What on earth had gone wrong?!
What had broken in there? Would giving it a good smack help?!
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Neon Dragonfly Translations 