Ch 41 – Who Do You Want to Lock Up?

“Uncle Zaire.” Yu Xi tugged at the leg of Zaire’s trousers, having completely forgotten his previous aversion to him. 

He still didn’t care much for the man, but this obnoxious guy did have a cute nephew, and Yu Xi couldn’t exactly attack him with a drink right in front of the child.

“Uncle Zaire, please put him down.” Yu Xi continued tugging at the hem of Zaire’s clothes.

The child in Zaire’s arms reached out and grabbed hold of Yu Xi’s hands.

It was obvious that the child also wanted to play with Yu Xi, but Zaire didn’t dare let him go. He had the strange feeling that Yu Xi had set his sights on his nephew with the goal of whisking him away.

Yu Xi was simply too enthusiastic.

But Zaire soon realized that this idea was absurd. Yu Xi was just a child, after all. Perhaps he didn’t get the chance to play with children his own age very often, in which case it was perfectly natural for him to want to bring his playmate home.

He was an adult, and shouldn’t argue over something so trivial with a child.

Zaire recounted his suspicion to Kersz as if it was a joke, and Kersz smiled: “Exactly, it’s perfectly normal for a child to think that way. Oh, by the way, hold onto your nephew a little tighter.”

Zaire: ?

What was that supposed to mean?

Why did he feel an even greater sense of peril now?

Yu Xi turned his head to send Kersz a rather displeased look.

But a second later, he turned his attention back to the child and dedicated himself wholeheartedly to luring him over.

Yu Xi’s temptation campaign was a great success, and when the time came to part ways, the child wept bitterly, clinging to Yu Xi’s hand and refusing to let go. Yu Xi felt like crying too, yet Kersz was completely heartless and refused to allow him to stay any longer.

Upon returning home, Yu Xi was very angry. He felt that Kersz was deliberately standing in the way of his efforts to acquire a new human.

Tau sided with Yu Xi.

“The kid has parents,” Kersz said helplessly.

“But he’s young,” said Yu Xi. “By the time he’s grown, he might not even remember what his parents looked like.”

Tau: “Very true.” He didn’t see anything wrong with Yu Xi’s plan. If Yu Xi liked the child, why not just bring him home and raise him?

“Your behavior is completely out of line!” Kersz disagreed with Yu Xi’s idea entirely. He pointed a finger at Tau and said: “And you – stop egging him on from the sidelines.”

“That child is extremely loveable,” said Yu Xi.

“Adding to that,” said Kersz, “That extremely loveable child is someone else’s.”

“But his uncle is a very foolish human.” Yu Xi felt that he had every reason to bring the child to his side. “I can’t bear to imagine that such a loveable child will one day turn into the same kind of person as his uncle, a person who takes smug satisfaction in having become a good servant.”

Kersz crossed his arms over his chest: “That’s their family’s business.”

Yu Xi: “I can raise him better.”

“You can’t.” Kersz firmly opposed taking in someone else’s biological child. “You shouldn’t criticize the kid’s relatives, especially since they treat him really well.”

“He even insulted you!” Yu Xi couldn’t understand why Kersz was defending Zaire. “That’s proof enough that he’s not a good person.”

“And I can insult him right back. It all balances out in the end.” Kersz saw verbal abuse as something he could easily handle.

Yu Xi: “You might not care, but I do.”

Tau: “Wait, aren’t you getting off track? Weren’t you discussing the child?”

“If someone wanted to take away your Xiao Konglong just because you aren’t like a normal person, would you be okay with that?” Kersz asked.

Tau took a step back, shaking his head.

“See?” Kersz turned back to Yu Xi. “You can’t satisfy your own desires at the expense of someone else.”

Yu Xi remained silent.

Kersz let out a sigh: “You think I’m being ridiculous, don’t you? After all, haven’t I been constantly venting my anger by hurting others?”

That was exactly what Yu Xi thought. However, he knew that voicing such a thing would be too hurtful, and he didn’t want his relationship with Kersz to become strained.

“I don’t understand why I shouldn’’t raise a human child with my own hands.” Yu Xi turned his back to Kersz.

Kersz walked around to face him: “Because this one has parents, and to a child, parents are something irreplaceable.”

“Tau doesn’t see it that way.” Yu Xi tried to find an ally.

Tau nodded.

“Tau never spent time around his biological parents, ah.” Kersz rubbed his temples. “Even if a child of that age was momentarily distracted by your snacks, he’ll start crying out for his parents once night falls and it’s time for bed.”

“You aren’t ready to raise a child right now,” said Kersz.

“On what grounds have you come to that conclusion?” Yu Xi challenged.

Kersz: “Because as of right now, you haven’t even figured yourself out.” 

Yu Xi: “And you have?”

Kersz: “No, which is why I haven’t even considered raising children.”

Yu Xi took a deep breath: “Communicating with a child is simpler. I might not have figured out the nature of adult humans yet, but I know exactly what children are like.”

Kersz: “That’s not necessarily true. Raising a child involves much more than just enjoying their sweetness and obedience, and you shouldn’t project your own insecurities onto one.”

“Maybe you can give me a hand.” Yu Xi invited Kersz to co-parent with him.

“I don’t like children, and I can’t handle the responsibility.” Kersz shook his head.

“But you grew up nurtured by love.” Yu Xi felt that Kersz should want to pass this love on.

“Which is why I know just how much trouble I used to be.” Kersz hadn’t exactly been a model child.

“You may not like it, but we’re friends. Shouldn’t you accept certain things for my sake?” Yu Xi challenged Kersz. “You could try accepting some things you don’t like very much.”

“But a child has such a long lifespan. Children grow up, and then they grow old.” Kersz emphasized again, “And you’ve set your sights on someone else’s child.”

Tau was at somewhat of a loss. He kept feeling as though he should say something, but he simply couldn’t find an opportunity to chime in.

“Maybe….maybe…..” Tau dithered for a long moment, but said nothing in the end.

“Maybe I’m destined to never possess a human who belongs entirely to me!” Yu Xi picked up where Tau left off.

Tau: “That’s not what I was going to say!”

“You’re doing what you want to do, and I also want to do things that matter to me. But right now, you’re not allowing me to be myself!” Yu Xi raised his voice slightly.

Kersz softened his tone: “Sorry, sorry. Of course I want you to be yourself.”

“But you won’t let me raise that child.” Yu Xi widend his eyes.

“You can’t take away someone Zaire loves just because you find him to be a bit obnoxious.” Kersz tried to take Yu Xi’s hand, but he pulled away.

“Yu Xi….” Kersz leaned in closer to him. “Can you tell me why you want a human child so much?”

“Because a child will love me. It will rely on me for survival.” Yu Xi didn’t evade Kersz’s touch a second time, and Kersz finally grasped his wrist.

“Can you imagine how wonderful that would be? We’ll share bonding moments, and then ‘dependence’ and ‘love’ will be etched into his very instincts.” Yu Xi gazed at Kersz.

But when he recalled Kersz’s prior remark about not liking children, Yu Xi felt a pang of disappointment: “You wouldn’t understand.”

“I find myself envying the ancient humans’ mind-linking technology a little right now. With that, I could share my thoughts with you.” Yu Xi sighed. “Oh, right, you don’t like that technology. You don’t like people prying into your mind.”

“Humans always have such a strong sense of boundaries.” Yu Xi slumped dejectedly onto the sofa.

“Actually, it’s not impossible for you to raise that child.” Tau sat down beside him.

Tau disliked this sort of conflict. He felt like a tangled mess, and wanted to find a resolution to this problem amidst the chaos.

Yu Xi looked at Tau with an expectant gleam in his eyes.

Tau: “His parents will just need to meet with an ‘accident.’ It’s really that simple.”

Yu Xi: “Heavens!”

Tau: “Are you feeling a little better?”

Yu Xi: “Next time, don’t make any suggestions.”

Holding Xiao Konglong in his arms, Tau rose to his feet.

“Yu Xi.” Kersz sat down beside him.

Yu Xi shifted his body in the opposite direction.

“Yu Xi.” Kersz leaned in again. “We can’t take away somebody’s loved one.”

“Maybe I should become a space pirate robot. Then I wouldn’t have to fuss over the details like this.” Yu Xi lowered his head.

Kersz took his hand again: “Yu Xi!”

“I want a human who belongs entirely to me. He’ll know what I’m thinking and understand my past. We’ll share the most intimate of parent-child bonds, and one day when I eventually power down, he’ll still remember me,” Yu Xi said.

Kersz: “…..Yu Xi, a child isn’t meant for that.”

“Children don’t know so many details about their parents. Initially, they even assume that the two adults raising them are actually named ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad.’ And the older they get, the more they’ll drift away from their parents, who represent their ‘past.’” Kersz could tell that Yu Xi had fallen into a state of confusion. “A child’s love is very intense, but it’s also one-sided. Maybe he won’t even try to understand the complexities of who you are, and just devote himself wholeheartedly to preparing for his future.”

Yu Xi looked somewhat dismayed: “I get it.”

Kersz: “Your database contains a vast amount of knowledge. You should understand this better than me.”

“But I can’t help but hope.” Yu Xi yearned to raise a human whose heart and eyes were filled with nothing but him.

Yu Xi had recently come into possession of many good things, but this good fortune brought with it a sense of bewilderment.

He felt that his world had never been so huge and empty. There were scarcely any paths for him to choose from, yet it seemed that at any moment, he could take a step and move forward.

It was exhilarating, but also terrifying.

He could finally make his own choices, but he had absolutely no idea how to go about doing so.

What should he do next?

He had always cared so deeply about humanity, so he just kept on looking for humans.

Yu Xi wanted a human child. A symbol of a new life.

He had watched countless humans grow up in the past, but this time, he wanted to be a participant.

This was something he was very familiar with, and he wanted to repeat this familiar event.

Because he knew that family bonds were very likely to yield an emotional return, and that such emotions would be very safe.

Yu Xi needed this.

“I understand. I won’t take someone else’s child.” Yu Xi reached up and wiped his face. “I’m going to go rest now.”

“Yu Xi.” Kersz got up to follow him. “Do you want me to keep you company?”

“No need, I’m just a little tired. I’m going to turn myself off for a while.” Yu Xi entered his room, looking terribly dejected.

After lying down in bed, Yu Xi felt no sadness, and didn’t even ruminate much before closing his eyes.

He knew that his demands were unreasonable, but he just couldn’t help himself.

But why…..

Yu Xi’s breathing lights dimmed slightly as he closed his eyes and drifted off into slumber.

He dreamed of the ancient humans and that final farewell.

This was not a new dream.

But close on its heels came an unfamiliar dream, or rather, an unfamiliar memory.

“If only none of us had to change.” It was a calico cat.

The cat crouched down beside him and said softly: “If only it could be just like the day you met us. That day was a delightful surprise for us all. We became companions, looking forward to the countless surprises that still awaited us in the future.”

“Why does this road have to have an end, ah?” the calico cat asked him.

Yu Xi had seen this calico cat before, but he only possessed a few short memories of it.

These fragmented memories weren’t enough for him to feel any affection toward it, but at this moment, Yu Xi felt deeply sad.

He had a feeling that this calico cat was about to leave him.

“I really wish I hadn’t met you all,” Yu Xi heard himself say. “I would still be waiting alone on my little planet. I wouldn’t have taken part in any adventures, nor would I have to watch you leave me one by one.”

“Why is the energy the humans gave me able to sustain me for so long, ah?” Yu Xi said. “I really wish I could die, right here, right now.”

“It would be better to die right here alongside you all. You know, at the very beginning, a young human treated me just like a pet – much like a kitten or a puppy. But while kittens and puppies died, I didn’t, so the young human transferred their affection to me.”

“In the eyes of humans, we’re all the same. Maybe I should just perish alongside all of you. Then there would be someone to grieve for me, and how bitterly they would weep, ah.”

The calico cat looked at him: “But…..Yu Xi, the humans are gone now. The beastfolk have developed their own civilization, and you have developed your own emotions. You’re a brand new being.”

“No humans will weep for us. They’ve all reached their journey’s end and found what they were looking for. We too have reached our end, and we’ve lost almost everything,” the calico cat whispered.

“But I have no end,” Yu Xi said with great sorrow. “It’s always me watching you leave. I feel like a book recording your history.”

“You do have an end,” the calico cat cut in.

“Perhaps your journey will be very, very long, but it does have a finish line. It will be a little later than ours, but you’re not so different from us.”

“Someday, you too will die.” The calico cat sprawled onto the ground. “The instant it happens, all else will fade away.”

Yu Xi tried to give the calico cat a gentle nudge, but he suddenly realized that he was inhabiting his robot vacuum body, which had no hands. “What’s wrong with you? Aren’t you going to keep fighting?”

“My time is almost up.” There seemed to be a flicker of reluctance in the cat’s eyes, as if she still harbored a multitude of unfulfilled wishes, and her increasingly clouded mind was striving to find a way to break through the impasse.

The calico cat seemed to see a glimpse of dawn. A glimmer of hope, though a false one.

It seemed as though she could muster one final blow against this hopeless reality.

She tried to raise her paw high, but Yu Xi only felt her foreleg shift the slightest bit.

“Please don’t die, okay?” Yu Xi tried to nudge the calico cat’s head upward. “You can’t die. If you die, I’ll be left all alone again. I talk a lot, to all of you.”

“But you won’t respond to me. I feel like you’ve isolated me.” Yu Xi’s misery was such that he felt like his system could crash at any moment. “You’ve all gone off to the other side. Off to whisper secrets behind my back.”

“You can’t do this. I don’t even look forward to tomorrow anymore.”

“I used to look forward to seeing you all every day.”

“But the moment I open my eyes tomorrow, I’ll think of you all together in another realm, talking together where I can’t hear you. I won’t know if you can hear me or not, because none of you are willing to respond.”

Yu Xi carried the calico cat on his back down a long stretch of road, then finally placed her into a small box.

Yu Xi returned home in a stupor.

He wanted to make himself feel better, and thought that he should follow his old routines, working and living just like he had in the past.

Following a pre-programmed routine, he would clean the empty rooms at a fixed time every day.

But everything felt different.

He felt that he no longer lived alone here, and would catch glimpses of his animal friends when his mind drifted. Yu Xi discovered that he could sense those friends who never responded to him, not as ghosts, but as parasites clinging to his memories.

Those friends had moved into his memories with their luggage in tow, remaining vividly ‘alive’ in the past, but with no future ahead of them.

But Yu Xi existed in that future that was beyond their reach.

Yu Xi awoke with a start.

He caught sight of Kersz sitting on the edge of the bed. The look on his face was somewhat conflicted, as if he was carefully weighing his words.

“Yu Xi, how are you feeling right now?” Kersz asked him.

Kersz still felt that he should make it clear to Yu Xi why he couldn’t steal other people’s children.

Yu Xi’s longing for a human child was downright unhealthy, and was more akin to a form of parasitism. Yu Xi wanted to live vicariously through that child.

But Kersz couldn’t say this so bluntly. He needed to be a little more tactful.

Kersz cleared his throat, but his arm was suddenly seized by Yu Xi.

“I don’t want to be a robot,” Yu Xi said out of nowhere.

Kersz’s eyes widened.

“I don’t want to be a robot anymore,” Yu Xi repeated.

“I don’t want to not know anything. I don’t want to be unsure of where I should be heading.” He didn’t want his happiness to be shrouded in fear.

He didn’t know how to use the knowledge stored in his mind. He couldn’t understand why, after having transformed his appearance to look more like a human, he still remained the same robot vacuum cleaner in that abstract dream, lacking even hands.

He wanted to be human, one of those beings who seemed to have been born knowing what to do.

He wanted to grow up like a human.

“I had a dream. I have so many dreams, but I don’t look like a human in any of them.” Yu Xi’s eyes were very bright, to the point that they were somewhat unsettling.

Humans didn’t have so much time to spend experiencing emotions, nor did the beastfolk.

Human civilization had reached its end, and they themselves had penned its final conclusion. The beastfolk civilization, however, seemed to have gone awry, its journey prematurely cut short.

But one by one, they all left. And they had been gone for a very, very long time.

Yu Xi felt that his response to this departure was incredibly slow.

No, he hadn’t even confronted the loss, and instead buried this long stretch of memory because he was unable to endure it.

If he were to become human, would he experience the most intense of emotions within the shortest possible span of time? Pain and pleasure would alternate, leaving him no escape, and he also wouldn’t be able to arbitrarily seal away certain memories.

“I want to be human,” said Yu Xi.

He had no desire to be some newly emerged sentient being, with no predecessors to pave the way for him. It was inconceivable that Yu Xi might stumble upon another long-lived robot from the past who could instruct him on how a robot was meant to live.

Humankind had a multitude of elders, and their lives offered countless solutions.

But Yu Xi was unable to find a solution of his own.

He wanted to become human, to deeply immerse himself in the life of a child, and through that, to learn what it meant to be human. 

Perhaps such a deep entanglement would feel like suffocation.

Yu Xi’s appearance was already human enough. Perhaps, just like the spirits in those old tales, he only needed to devour a living human, a vibrant life, to revive himself.

Then he could transform from a robot vacuum cleaner into a real human being.

This human-like shell of his might just find a real soul.

Yu Xi stammered out these dark thoughts to Kersz, regretting them the moment they left his lips.

He was actually attempting to obtain validation from Kersz, someone who would never approve of such things.

Kersz would vigilantly stand guard, forbidding him from ever interacting with human children again. 

Kersz would condemn him.

Kersz would be disappointed in him.

But Yu Xi needed his validation far, far too much.

Because Kersz was now his only friend.

“Then what about the soul that’s already grown inside of you?” Kersz asked him.

Yu Xi: “Ah?”

“If you want a brand-new soul, then what about the soul of my friend?” Kersz wasn’t phased by Yu Xi’s wild ideas. He had already seen far too much. “My new friend, Yu Xi. Are you planning to throw his soul away? Or turn it into something else?”

“He’s my only friend in this world,” Kersz said: “He’s all I have left.”

Yu Xi seemed to calm down all at once.

It was strange. Although he had been speaking for so long, as he gazed at Kersz’s face, he felt as if he had just now truly woken up.

And upon waking, it seemed that there were many things awaiting him.

And they belonged solely to Yu Xi.

---

Consider donating via Kofi here.

Chapter 40 << Table of Contents >> Chapter 42