Ch 29 – Why Are You Sad?
“So you’re a father too?!” Curtis was deeply shocked. Tau had never mentioned having a child, ah, and his attitude toward Kersz had been strange, as if he was repelled by him.
But when they met this time, Tau’s mental state had clearly shifted. He seemed absent-minded, and people would have to repeat themselves two or three times before he heard them.
Curtis thought he was ill at first, but then Tau admitted that he was worried about his child.
His little dinosaur was back at home. He had prepared food and beautiful clothes for it, but he worried that it might run around and get into trouble.
Tau suddenly realized that he had forgotten to add guardrails for the little dinosaur. He wanted to go back, but Yu Xi and Kersz wouldn’t let him.
“I’m worried that he’ll get hurt. I thought I did my best, but I just realized that I still overlooked something.” Tau’s anxiety was genuine, but he was also subconsciously playing his role.
Curtis was dying of envy.
There seemed to be an unusually high concentration of good fathers in this galaxy, but he was the unlucky guy who had missed out.
“Why haven’t I heard you talk about your partner?”
Curtis also wanted to envy other people’s mothers, but he suddenly realized that these two had never mentioned their significant others.
Tau simply stared at Curtis without saying a word.
Curtis blinked, then let out a gasp: “C-could something have happened to them?”
Tau didn’t answer, but Yu Xi hummed in response where he was sitting on Kersz’s lap.
The dinosaur’s mother had indeed met with an accident, all because of that giant meteorite from the Cretaceous period.
Curtis immediately apologized to Tau, who shook his head with a cold expression and remained silent.
Curtis had no intention of asking where Yu Xi’s mother was. What if it ended up being another tragedy?
Yu Xi actually felt that Curtis’s family background was a bit abnormal. He asked Tau and Kersz about it, and then realized that his stereotypes came entirely from his deep memories of the humans who had not yet left Earth.
This was the interstellar world.
Curtis’s parents definitely had feelings for each other, and the bond between them was profound.
But this profoundess was different from what Yu Xi understood.
The Supreme Governor and the High Lord were very satisfied with each other’s personalities and families, and their genes were compatible, so they formed an alliance and started a family together.
They spent some time together each year, but for the majority of the time, they remained at their own posts.
Tau was quite certain that the two of them had never reached the point of being “deeply in love,” because it was too awkward and undignified for humans to sleep together. They believed that it was disrespectful to the other party.
Such private issues could be resolved with their respective androids.
Yu Xi let out a sigh when he learned about this situation. He had known that humans’ sense of boundaries would become stronger and stronger.
But then he couldn’t help but inquire: “They don’t even sleep together! What kind of marriage is that?! They could have simply framed it as forming an alliance, ah!I”
This level of intimacy would have been considered friendship at best among the ancient humans!
These interstellar partners only put on a facade of intimacy!
However, Kersz later comforted Yu Xi with some good news. For example, although his own parents had a good relationship, he had no idea if they were ever intimate, because adults would never talk about that kind of thing in front of children.
But his parents did live together.
Yu Xi wanted to ask for more details, but he also knew that Kersz’s past was a tender spot for him. So after hesitating for a long time, he decided not to ask Kersz if he had ever seen his parents kiss.
This was all because Curtis had started to talk about his family of origin the moment he met them, and after hearing about it so many times, Yu Xi also became interested in such things.
But he couldn’t exactly interrogate Kersz, because he hadn’t been in a good mood lately, and kept waking up in the middle of the night.
Yu Xi was unaware that the reason for his frequent waking was to check if Yu Xi had suddenly powered down. He didn’t know what ‘anytime’ meant in regard to Yu Xi’s depleting lifespan.
In fact, Kersz later realized that since Yu Xi’s concept of time was different from his own, perhaps ‘anytime’ could be a very long time away.
But Yu Xi had also made it clear that he might not outlive Kersz.
Kersz also asked Yu Xi what would happen to the compressed galaxy when he shut down, and Yu Xi replied that it would be permanently sealed inside the galaxy-dot-zip file. To outsiders, the only proof that the galaxy had ever existed would be the brilliant gemstone on his necklace.
Yu Xi understood Kersz’s worry, and assured him that the necklace wasn’t so easy to break, and that Kersz might be able to sell it for a good price later on.
Kersz was not pleased by this.
But he felt that he should be pleased. Strictly speaking, he and Yu Xi hadn’t known each other for very long, and Yu Xi’s necklace was indeed a big danger.
The length of Yu Xi’s existence was not something Kersz could control. He should breathe a sigh of relief that humanity had escaped a catastrophe.
But Kersz wasn’t happy.
“This nutrient solution is disgusting.” Yu Xi put down his cup. He hated the artificial flavoring.
“If you don’t like it, then don’t drink it.” Kersz’s voice was so gentle that Yu Xi didn’t realize it was him speaking at first.
Even Curtis and Tau were taken aback.
Oblivious to it all, Kersz wiped tiny Yu Xi’s mouth, then leaned down and softly pressed his lips to the top of his head.
Yu Xi’s eyes widened. He was completely blindsided.
What was wrong with Kersz? Why did he seem so fragile?
Kersz looked at him, and a moment later, he pressed his cheek against Yu Xi’s and gently nuzzled against it.
Such an intimate gesture startled Yu Xi into curling into a ball.
Something was definitely wrong with Kersz. He was so upset.
When the three of them returned home, Yu Xi formally took Kersz’s hand to indicate that they needed to talk.
“Are you unhappy because we talked about your parents?” Yu Xi asked.
Tau was sitting near them, but he was clearly distracted.
Yu Xi suggested that Tau go and keep his little dinosaur company, and the man happily ran off.
“No.” Kersz looked into Yu Xi’s greenish-blue eyes.
He had encountered this robot by accident…..by a wonderful accident, he now thought.
“I just don’t think that my luck is very good,” Kersz said. “It seems like every good thing eventually leaves me.”
Yu Xi sucked in a breath. Sure enough, this child had psychological problems.
“I read a lot of books as a kid,” Kersz said, “most of them fairytales. I thought I was lucky enough to stumble upon a ‘fairyland’ where everyone could forget their troubles and no longer have to worry about the future.”
This was one of the most popular fairytales in the Interstellar Alliance. The young protagonist encountered a lost extraterrestrial visitor, and they embarked on an adventure behind the parents’ backs to send the alien back to its wondrous ‘fairyland.’
Young Kersz would always sneak out of bed once his parents were asleep, then go to the storage room and rummage around in search of any extraterrestrials.
Later on, he stopped believing in such things.
He thought he had changed – that he had broken down, becoming mad and unfeeling.
No one could take anything away from him again, because now he was the executioner.
Yu Xi sat up straight and told Kersz that he could confide everything to him, and that he would never criticize Kersz’s actions.
Kersz smiled. He didn’t like talking about the past, because it was a dream he could never return to.
Yet he suddenly found himself lacking resistance against this little robot from a ‘fairyland.’
Kersz had been well-protected by his parents, and unlike Curtis’s, his father and mother had lived together.
Kersz was aware that his family had been closer than other people’s families, and under the care of his parents, he always felt like he was growing up slower than others.
But his learning ability was excellent.
“My family wasn’t anything special, but my parents had pretty good jobs. They were maintenance personnel for the central AI consciousness mainframe.” There was little pride on Kersz’s face as he said this, and a whole lot more indifference. “They knew all the underlying code and backdoors to the database.”
Their lives were relatively affluent, and at that time, Kersz was considered to be a genius. His ability to learn was unparalleled, and he remained one of the best among his classmates through graduation.
Kersz once thought that his life would be smooth sailing. He would graduate peacefully, secure a decent job, and perhaps find a lover with whom to spend the rest of his life.
Instead, he received news of his parents’ passing.
“It was said that the servers suddenly malfunctioned, causing a meltdown. Everyone in the compartment died, including my parents.” Those people generously gave Kersz a large sum of compensation money and told him that his parents were heroes of the Alliance.
They also widely publicized their condolences on the StarNet, and countless people who were unfamiliar with Kersz’s parents joined in to express their grief.
Kersz was in a state of shock, and wasn’t even sure if he was sad, nor if he was still alive.
“The downside of having such a good relationship with my parents was that I couldn’t handle them leaving,” Kersz said.
When reporters tried to interview Kersz about his parents’ lives, he was finally able to react.
He was indescribably offended, feeling that his parents and the relationship between them was being treated as an entertainment exhibit.
Those people forcibly inserted themselves into his emotions. They seemed to want to impose a set of standards on him, hoping that the orphaned child of ‘heroes’ would put on a show of pitifulness and vulnerability in front of the cameras, acting according to their expectations.
All to satisfy the voyeuristic tendencies of those self-righteous bastards.
Kersz went berserk. He insulted countless people, and was attacked by countless others.
At that time, he was in a state of rage and confusion. He didn’t understand why those unrelated people were so angry with him when he was only refusing to be a spectacle.
“I was too young then, and I didn’t want to believe that my parents were dead. I had no basis for my suspicion that there might be a conspiracy behind it all.” Kersz just wanted an outlet for his emotions, and needed to find someone to blame.
“It was precisely because I had no proof that I never hid my suspicions about my parents’ deaths from the outside world. I refused the medal the authorities offered me and lost my temper, telling them that it was all a conspiracy and that I would uncover the truth.” Kersz took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly.
He genuinely did attempt to uncover the truth, even though he had no evidence or clues in his hands. This was all because he was unable to put his emotions to rest.
“Perhaps I seemed too confident in my assertion, because some people thought I had actually discovered something.” At that time, Kerz had already enlisted in the military.
He continuously made contact with his parents’ former colleagues and friends, piecing together clues about their deaths.
And little by little, he actually discovered a problem.
He told his uncle, who had always supported and encouraged him, about his discovery. That uncle was his father’s childhood friend, and told Kersz that he had also been investigating the death of his father.
But after giving him that information, Kersz was immediately dismissed from his post under the charge of “abusing power for personal gain.”
So Kersz didn’t like to talk about his past. He felt that in this story, he was just a helpless fool who could be manipulated at will.
“That sort of impotent rage was just screaming to the world, ‘I’m so pitiful.’ I kept trusting people and getting taken advantage of,” Kersz said. “It was so pointless.”
Yu Xi understood: “So you’ve kept it all to yourself?”
“It’s even more pointless to guess what others will think about it.” Kersz shrugged.
Yu Xi put his arm around Kersz’s shoulder: “Do you want me to help you investigate the cause of your parents’ deaths?”
“I already know the cause. Back then, two coalitions clashed at the border of the Interstellar Alliance. The Alliance was on the verge of unleashing weapons of mass destruction, and more than a dozen third-class planets were to be abandoned as a lost cause.” Kersz said, “My parents discovered that the authorities were going to completely cut off communications with those third-class planets and destroy those people’s identity cards.”
“They did cut off communications, but a backdoor was left open. My parents intended to expose the plot before the weapons were activated, but their actions were discovered. Then, they died.”
“But those people are dead too.” Kersz raised an eyebrow at Yu Xi. “I killed all of the culprits, those people who were so secure in their power that they thought they were above everyone else. Oh, right. The reason I’m being hunted down is because I killed the former leader of the Star Union.”
Yu Xi: “Wow! No wonder I saw on the news that a new leader is being elected.”
Kersz: “Are you pretending to be shocked?”
Yu Xi: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been around humans for so long, and I’ve seen so many leaders. He’s nothing special – just another human.”
“Yes, ah. Nothing special, just another human.” Kersz smiled. “Why do people have to take themselves so seriously?”
He directed his smile toward Yu Xi: “But I might be beyond saving, someone who is just longing for warmth.”
“I….I don’t want you to shut down.”
Yu Xi was puzzled: “What? Once I shut down, my necklace will stabilize completely and the galaxy inside won’t go out of control.” He felt that Kersz’s words ran somewhat contrary to his character.
Kersz was a lone wolf, but he still cared about his fellow humans to some extent.
Although he and Kersz were friends, it wouldn’t be Kersz’s fault when he shut down. He didn’t need to put so much pressure on himself. He just needed to allow himself some time to grieve the passing of a friend.
“I understand what you’re saying,” Kersz said helplessly, “But I want you to stay.”
Yu Xi tilted his head slightly.
“Not because I’m worried about the galaxy exploding, but because I….I still want to see you, not the you who has shut down. I want you to keep responding to me.” Kersz didn’t dare look him in the eye.
It had been a very long time since anyone had responded to him like Yu Xi did.
He responded to all of his stupid questions.
Yu Xi finally grasped Kersz’s meaning: “Wait! You mean you want me to stay with you?” He repeated what Kersz had already said.
“Just me?! Personally?!” Yu Xi was astounded.
“Just you,” Kersz said with some embarrassment.
“Heavens! Heavens!” Yu Xi exclaimed in disbelief.
He had always carried human emotions with him, but he knew that those feelings had nothing to do with him personally.
He was once a robot vacuum cleaner. The child mistook him for a family pet, and when the family’s cat and dog died, the parents continuously repaired the old machine for the child’s sake.
Later, when the child grew up and the parents passed away, Yu Xi became evidence of the parents’ love.
That grown-up child placed all of his yearning for his parents onto Yu Xi.
Yu Xi really liked this sort of emotion. He was born from such feelings, although none of them were directed toward him personally.
He was the oldest robot in existence, a piece of technology from before humanity entered interstellar space, and part of a family legacy.
As time went by, the emotions directed toward him became increasingly vague, drifting further and further from him.
He was always just one of many, and the least important one at that.
Just like when he was a robot vacuum cleaner at home. When it was running, the big fat cat would occasionally sit on him mischievously, curious about what he was doing.
But his program had always been the least significant one of all.
Humanity would always have its own future to strive for.
Yu Xi would always answer: “Wow, amazing, and then what?” as the humans carried him forward.
But when humanity rushed toward death, they refused to take him with them, and he didn’t know what to do.
“Heavens!” Yu Xi felt his eyes becoming wet.
Was he malfunctioning?
“What’s wrong?!” Kersz leaped up and quickly wiped away Yu Xi’s tears.
“Heavens.” Yu Xi kept repeating the same word.
When Yu Xi came into the world, he was destined to live the rest of his life as a robot vacuum, wandering around in perpetuity as he watched humans do their own thing.
Why would a loner like Kersz sit down at his side and tell him that he didn’t want Yu Xi to shut down?
How could this intense emotion be directed at him?
At a robot vacuum cleaner?
Was he no longer a symbol of someone else’s feelings, but a vessel for emotions himself?
“Heavens, how did I ever pick up a human like you?!” Yu Xi was losing control of himself. He couldn’t keep the tears from welling up in his eyes, and he didn’t want to anymore.
If he was broken, then he was broken. He had a feeling that he was beyond repair.
As Kersz wiped away his tears, Yu Xi reached out and cupped Kersz’s face in his hands. Then he leaned in slowly and pressed a gentle kiss to Kersz’s lips.
Kersz froze.
“You are my human,” Yu Xi said. “You are my good human.”
Good human – what kind of strange appellation was that?
Kersz intended to ask, but when he opened his mouth, no sound came out.
Kersz stared into Yu Xi’s eyes, and Yu Xi couldn’t resist leaning in and kissing his lips again.
He knew that such contact was somewhat inappropriate, but he also felt that it was permissible between him and Kersz.
Yu Xi’s lips were cool, and very soft.
In the wake of the second kiss, Kersz finally came back to his senses and said: “I’m so worried that you won’t respond when I wake up tomorrow.”
Yu Xi: “Ah? Why wouldn’t I?”
“Because you’ll have shut down.” In the end, this would have all just been a beautiful dream for Kersz.
And when he awoke from that dream, he would continue to wander around the desolate universe, filled with hatred and with nowhere to lay his head.
Yu Xi: …..
Yu Xi released Kersz’s face: “I have more than three hundred years before I shut down.”
Kersz choked.
“But I remember you saying that you could shut down at any time, ah,” Kersz said, slow to respond.
“For me, three hundred years is just a moment in the grand scheme of things,” said Yu Xi.
Kersz: “You said I might outlive you.”
“Miracles are always possible. If you’re a long-lived old man, then you could indeed live longer than me,” Yu Xi said.
Kersz remained silent.
Yu Xi finally understood what Kersz had been so sad about lately: “Oh! Wait! You were upset because of me? You thought I could just die tomorrow?!”
When Kersz finally realized the actual state of things, he started to get a little angry.
“Goodness! I’m so sorry! I didn’t explain it clearly!” Yu Xi was regretful, but also a bit happy at the knowledge that Kersz’s pain stemmed from the possibility of him shutting down.
He immediately cupped Kersz’s face in his hands again and kissed him on the lips: “I’m so sorry! I scared you, oh heavens, worrying is really bad for your health. I’ll have to give you a checkup later.”
“Heavens! Heavens!” Yu Xi kissed him twice, then stroked Kersz’s hair, kissed him twice more, and rubbed his back.
His coaxing prevented Kersz from venting his anger, and Yu Xi’s touching and stroking dissipated that anger entirely.
When Yu Xi pressed his lips to Kersz’s again, Kersz licked them.
Yu Xi abruptly leaned back and covered his mouth with his hand.
Kersz gave him an innocent look.
“You can be really naughty sometimes,” Yu Xi said.
“It’s because I’m a space pirate,” Kersz said.
“No, you’re my good human,” Yu Xi corrected him. “A good human who’s a little strange.”
Yes, very strange, ah.
There were so many humans in the universe, habitable planets teeming with them, yet Kersz felt that Yu Xi’s was the best place to stay.
Yu Xi felt a contentment that was hard to describe. If he had to put it into words…..
It was just when he sat atop the tallest building on the planet, gazing up at the starry sky like he had done countless times in the past
Yu Xi would always talk out loud, then use loudspeakers spread across the earth to respond to himself, engaging in a lively and boisterous question-and-answer game.
Now there was someone next to him. Someone who had come over and sat down of his own volition.
Yu Xi had thought that this human would continue to live his own life inside a building, just like all the other humans.
But he didn’t.
In his mind, the human climbed up to the rooftop and sat down, gazing at the sky with Yu Xi.
They felt the blowing wind together, neither of them speaking a word. But when the human wrapped his arms tightly around himself, Yu Xi draped a blanket over him.
They huddled even closer together.
The broadcasts all across the planet fell silent.
Silence. The entire planet was silent, but Yu Xi felt so warm. The person next to him was so warm.
Yu Xi swung his legs, and the human next to him copied his movements.
Yu Xi wanted to laugh. He wanted to laugh at how sly and mischievous the human beside him was.
He laughed and so did the human, and they huddled close together.
This once silent planet seemed to suddenly be filled with sound.
Yu Xi told Kersz about this feeling, and asked him what he thought.
Kersz put an end to his mischief and gazed intently at Yu Xi for a long time.
Finally, he said: “I found that extraterrestrial visitor in the storeroom.”
In that fairy tale, there was an extraterrestrial visitor from “fairyland,” and only good children were capable of seeing it.
As a child, Kersz would often search his family’s storeroom. In order to prove that he was a good child, he would often donate his savings and actively strive to do “good deeds.”
Later, when he grew up, he realized that there were no fairy tales in this world, and that there were no “aliens that only good children could see.”
Fairy tales had no basis in reality, and were completely illogical.
Furthermore, that little brat who believed in fairytales had been corrupted beyond recognition by reality. He dropped onto a mining planet and nearly died in that place, where he witnessed humanity’s most primal desires.
He had also killed people. Many, many people.
He accepted the reality that his parents were gone, and repeatedly reminded himself that they were just two dead people who would never return.
In the future, he would never have the opportunity to love them again.
He told himself that he could no longer be so foolish. That he couldn’t vent his true feelings everywhere, screaming and wailing like a helpless child.
He had to smile – smile in a way that made others uncomfortable, because that was the only way he could make others cry.
He wanted to remain unfathomable to everyone, to never place his trust in any of them, because people were selfish creatures and were only looking out for their own futures.
This was nothing out of the ordinary. It was only natural.
He needed to understand that.
Then, no longer clinging to his dangerous innocence, he dragged those people down with him into hell.
But somehow, as he neared death, he seemed to break through the door of that old storeroom again.
The surroundings were silent. Exhausted, Kersz closed his eyes and fell asleep there.
And when he opened his eyes again, he found that extraterrestrial from “fairyland.”
His eyes were as beautiful as a saltwater lake under sunlight.
The extraterrestrial reached out a hand to him and said: “Good child, let’s go on an adventure together behind everyone’s backs.”
Their future seemed to be as boundless as the starry night sky, as vast as the cosmos.
Like sparks that had been ignited, they ran hand in hand as they were carried upward on hot thermal currents.
Defying gravity, they soared toward the infinite beyond.
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Neon Dragonfly Translations 